"Of course I know! I know now what I did...I....I was an idiot back then. I thought I was doing the right thing but I know now. " His voice probably falls on deaf ears and while he wants Seifer to listen to him he isn't going to force it, no their is nothing he would ever force again on that man. He can't explain away how he acted and even if he did it wouldn't help. Squall had been in the wrong then. Sure, at the time he didn't see it as hurting but it did and nothing can change that.
It took him awhile, he won't deny it. It took loosing everyone in the garden, in losing Seifer for him to realize what he had done to him and everyone. When he was fully alone in Radiant Garden, a world on his own was when he realized he'd pushed so many away from him. He had to do everything really alone, truly alone and while he was self sufficient he had never missed everyone more than he had then. He missed how Seifer would always find him in a room and fill it with his big personality, would come to him and tease him. At the time he thought it was bullying, had took it the wrong way but being alone he craved that, craved the attention he now missed, he had craved being wanted.
That was when he had first realized Seifer had never been in the wrong, truly understood why he was like that. Seifer had been like him, he wanted attention and instead of pushing people away like he had, he had tried to pull them in but no one understood that. He had cried on and off for a week at that realization years ago. He had lost probably the only person who ever truly would have understood him. He could have had a friend, a best friend, maybe even a soulmate but he had pushed him away like everyone else.
He doesn't fight back when their positions are flipped, he doesn't flinch when the punch hits him. He wants Seifer to punch him, to hurt him. He deserves it and he knows he can't ever have more than Seifer's hatred but at least he can have that. At least he can have some last connection to the man.
The look in Seifer's eyes shatters him and once he feels the wetness against him he breaks too. This isn't Seifer hating him, this is Seifer broken, showing a weakness in front of him, being vulnerable. He can feel his heart fracture into pieces with each tear drop and he wants to wipe those tears away and take his pain from him. He doesn't though, how could he think he's allowed to do that? Instead he reaches up and pulls Seifer close, pulls him to his chest and lets his hands find purchase in those golden locks.
"You're right....you're right in everything. I should have been your friend. I should have never left you. We could have been best friends...we could have been....if I had only seen you then, seen the real you." he could feel the wet pool of tears at the corners of his eyes but he didn't bother trying to help himself. He kept arms around Seifer, rubbing his back, petting his head, anything he could to comfort him in someway where he ad failed to years before. "I fucked up Seifer...I fucked up and you had to deal with it and that wasn't fair....I wasn't fair to you."
Part of him wants to melt into the embrace, to collapse against Squall, to just let go of all the weight of what could have been. It's probably what he needs, somewhere he can recognize that. To let himself mourn the childhood that had been stolen from all of them.
But he just... can't let go like that, let himself fall apart like that. How could he when ever single time he let himself try, let himself trust or hope for even a moment that there might be something left between them it was ripped away again. Even though he knows Squall is well aware of the fact that he's trying not to cry, failing but trying. Feeling Squall's arms around him as he shakes and tries so desperately to stop the steady trickle of tears but he can't even let himself just.... have that.
He takes a breath to try to steady himself, hears the way he sniffles, and his hands shove against Squall's chest again. He grits his teeth for a moment but it's not enough and then he's yelling, wordless and furious, the same kind of frustrated anguished shout that came with so many of the blows that ended up really hurting Squall over the years as they trained.
His breathing after that is ragged and heavy, but he's more in control than he has been. Voice low and bitter but not broken, he was too stubborn to break, no matter how many times or how long he had to endure the injustices of the world. "I should hate you... and you should despise me."
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Date: 2022-09-19 02:03 am (UTC)It took him awhile, he won't deny it. It took loosing everyone in the garden, in losing Seifer for him to realize what he had done to him and everyone. When he was fully alone in Radiant Garden, a world on his own was when he realized he'd pushed so many away from him. He had to do everything really alone, truly alone and while he was self sufficient he had never missed everyone more than he had then. He missed how Seifer would always find him in a room and fill it with his big personality, would come to him and tease him. At the time he thought it was bullying, had took it the wrong way but being alone he craved that, craved the attention he now missed, he had craved being wanted.
That was when he had first realized Seifer had never been in the wrong, truly understood why he was like that. Seifer had been like him, he wanted attention and instead of pushing people away like he had, he had tried to pull them in but no one understood that. He had cried on and off for a week at that realization years ago. He had lost probably the only person who ever truly would have understood him. He could have had a friend, a best friend, maybe even a soulmate but he had pushed him away like everyone else.
He doesn't fight back when their positions are flipped, he doesn't flinch when the punch hits him. He wants Seifer to punch him, to hurt him. He deserves it and he knows he can't ever have more than Seifer's hatred but at least he can have that. At least he can have some last connection to the man.
The look in Seifer's eyes shatters him and once he feels the wetness against him he breaks too. This isn't Seifer hating him, this is Seifer broken, showing a weakness in front of him, being vulnerable. He can feel his heart fracture into pieces with each tear drop and he wants to wipe those tears away and take his pain from him. He doesn't though, how could he think he's allowed to do that? Instead he reaches up and pulls Seifer close, pulls him to his chest and lets his hands find purchase in those golden locks.
"You're right....you're right in everything. I should have been your friend. I should have never left you. We could have been best friends...we could have been....if I had only seen you then, seen the real you." he could feel the wet pool of tears at the corners of his eyes but he didn't bother trying to help himself. He kept arms around Seifer, rubbing his back, petting his head, anything he could to comfort him in someway where he ad failed to years before. "I fucked up Seifer...I fucked up and you had to deal with it and that wasn't fair....I wasn't fair to you."
Part of him wants to melt into the embrace, to collapse against Squall, to just let go of all the weight of what could have been. It's probably what he needs, somewhere he can recognize that. To let himself mourn the childhood that had been stolen from all of them.
But he just... can't let go like that, let himself fall apart like that. How could he when ever single time he let himself try, let himself trust or hope for even a moment that there might be something left between them it was ripped away again. Even though he knows Squall is well aware of the fact that he's trying not to cry, failing but trying. Feeling Squall's arms around him as he shakes and tries so desperately to stop the steady trickle of tears but he can't even let himself just.... have that.
He takes a breath to try to steady himself, hears the way he sniffles, and his hands shove against Squall's chest again. He grits his teeth for a moment but it's not enough and then he's yelling, wordless and furious, the same kind of frustrated anguished shout that came with so many of the blows that ended up really hurting Squall over the years as they trained.
His breathing after that is ragged and heavy, but he's more in control than he has been. Voice low and bitter but not broken, he was too stubborn to break, no matter how many times or how long he had to endure the injustices of the world. "I should hate you... and you should despise me."