Squall walks out of a meeting and Seifer's just leaning against the wall next to the door like a punk
Squall walks past him a moment then pauses He turns and just drops all his notes and everything he was holding "...S-seifer?...." "You're....I thought...."
"Squa-ah.... right. "Leon" now" Kicks off the wall and just strolls past him "Does that actually fool anyone?"
He's too shocked to be upset with him so he walks up to him and just puts a hand on his shoulder to make sure he's real. "Of course not.....damn You're actually real. You came back..." He's just looking him over and settles on his chin, a little smirk on his face as he rubs at it. "When did you find time to grow this?"
"I didn't.... but I liked this bit enough to leave it." A shrug. You should've seen the scraggly mess on his face when he crawled out of that pod, Squall. "The hell makes you think I wouldn't be real?" then he stops, reconsiders the words and.... "Unless this is another place like Twilight Town? I thought this was supposed to be real-godsdammit"
Squalls just going to keep touching his beard as he continues to eye over Seifer and how different he looks. "Heartless...nobodies...you could be either of them but I've never seen them look this drastically different so you can't be. I guess I never thought to look for you in Twilight Town...some of us just disappeared and others showed up in Traverse Town. ...I waited years for you." And he finally let's go of him and just pops his hip as his arms cross over his chest. "I really thought you were gone..."
It's... weird? being touched like that, so casually by Squall of all people, but what about all of this isn't weird. "I'm not going to pretend I understand all the details but..." He shrugs, the familiar devil-may-care sort of gesture making his coat strain slightly at his shoulders. "Hardly the first time, right?"
But there's a little bit of something... cautious in his gaze however much he manages to keep his body language casual and dismissive. Everything's fallen to pieces. Literally. Are they.... can they let the past stay there? Is that something Squall's willing to allow?
Seifer needs his help, or at least needs a friend right now. Squall isn't blind to that. If he's been away this long and looks thay confused then he has a lot to explain and he plans to. Sure it's not the first time and their relationship was always a bit rocky but they can start new right? Everyone else was rebuilding and not just homes and stores but relationships too. Couldn't they do the same? Would Seifer want to be his friend?
"...I can give you a tour and help you get caught up. I have a spare room at my place too if you're okay with it. It's nothing fancy but..." He bends down and picks up all the papers he dropped and reorganizes them as he's crouched down on the ground, eyes averted from Seifer even if he can feel those green eyes on him. "Unless...you rather me help you find a place to stay alone?" Its then he looks up at him from his place on the ground. Squall's changed too but in that moment he looks so much like that young naive boy Seifer used to know.
The offer of not only a tour but a room startles him enough that he actually takes half a step back, arms coming up across his chest, crossed briefly before one hand gestures in Squall's general direction-
"-with you?" The smirk, when it comes, is a shadow of it's former arrogance, something almost wry now. He starts to open his mouth, to snap off some comment about keeping ones enemies closer. But there's something about the way Squall looks at him, looks up at him that makes him bite his tongue for once. If Squall is willing to make an effort he should too. Right? There's no one else-
Raijin and Fujin hadn't been in those pods. The versions of them in Twilight Town had been reconstructions from his memories, just like so much else. Pieces of the minds of those trapped thrown together to create something better.
So the smirk softens, just enough that one might almost call it a smile, and Seifer reaches out a hand to pull Squall back to his feet. "Guess it's not the worst thing I've endured."
For a moment Squall wonders if Seifer has really changed over the years. He seems kind and the fact he hasn't really made any teasing jokes for a record amount of time and now here he is walking over to him with his hand out. It takes Squall a moment to actually comprehend this version of Seifer. It had been so long since he last saw him and now this change is a lot to take it, but then he's ruining that whole new façade with his snarky comment.
Squall just rolls his eyes but takes Seifer's hand and stands up, letting go of him as soon as he is standing again. "I'll make this as painless as possible." he starts to walk off, expecting Seifer to follow. "So this is Radiant Garden....its a work in progress still but...it's home."
In his defense... the years since Darkness took their world have largely been spent with, somehow, less emotional maturity than he'd had before things had gone to shit. Would either one of them know how to deal with the other if there wasn't some level of friction between them? Of course he sasses Squall. That's.... how they are. How they've always been.
(He thinks, briefly, of Hayner and the others. An entire lifetime of memories and people that don't exist outside his memory anymore. How it's always been is shit. But he doesn't know how to be anything else.)
Whether Squall believes it or not he is making an effort. Which only makes it sting more when Squall just walks off like he's supposed to follow along like a good little doggie. (Somewhere he remembers being called the Sorceress's lapdog and that stings too.)
"One Garden to another, huh?" It could be an innocent enough statement, observation, even amusement but there's something biting and bitter in his tone that makes it clear it's not. What it is meant to be he's not sure. An accusation?
It's been so long that sometimes Squall forgets the connections to his old live and a comment like that does have him pause. He waits for Seifer to catch up with him before walking beside him, still leading but not in front. "Yeah...I guess I did leave one for another..."
There is so much more he wants to say but words fail him. He left his whole life in that other world, so many and found this nee one, a new purpose. Or rather he was forced into this new one. It hasn't been for naught, he knows that. While he's not a keyblade wielder he still did help Sora in the gran scheme of things and helped get this world back to its peaceful existence. His part was important and he wouldn't change that, just like he wouldn't change their past either. Sure he'd have liked to do things different, better, but maybe it was meant to be this.
"So...have you looked around at all yet or...you came to find me immediately?" He's not sure if that's the right question to ask so he shakes his head immediately and tries again. "Actually...are you hungry? I can make you something at my place."
Squall just leaning with his coffee watchinf And when he stops just lifts an eyebrow like "whyd you stop? You're good at it."
"tch... Yeah well I was a helluva lot smaller last time I did this... And lighter." never mind how much shit he gave Roxas and the others for the same damn thing
"Where you ever lighter? I always remember you being bigger than me. I mean....even now." Cue squall avoiding eye contact and hiding a blush by drinking his coffee
"that's because you're a shrimp." why is Squall blushing?! What. Sus. "I was barely 16 in that whole...." vague gesture "thing." he still doesn't really get it
He almost spits out his coffee at that. "SHRIMP?" Ohe he's finishing his coffee and tossing the disposable empty cup now. "How am I a shrimp? I've worked hard to look like this. Not my fault you're a giant beast and always have been."
It's probably a little bit distressing, watching Seifer kick up the end of the board and swing it carelessly up over his shoulder with the same easy confidence he wielded hyperion with. "yeah. Shrimp." don't mind him internally gloating about being bigger than the cis dude. It's evident in his smirk. "all that hard work can't make you taller."
"I was one of the taller ones here..." and yeah squall is kinda pouting a little. He's never been short by any means but seifer just knows what to say to get him worked up, he always has. He could only keep his cool for so long before Seifer chipped away at him. "I'm still not a shrimp though..."
"would you rather I call you a chicken?" that shit eating grin just makes you wanna punch him, doesn't it Squall? He hasn't gotten reactions like this out of Squall in ages. It's great.
Oh he does but seifer just got here and he doesn't want to start a fight, at least this early. His coffee hasn't fully hit him yet enough for this. "...whatever..."
Dammit. Finally starts to get something out of him and Squall... Shuts down. Seifer bares his teeth, a flash of something feral and.... Perhaps even more volatile than when they were teens, a flicker of that maddened intensity the Sorceress had given him. "Whatever, huh?" his voice is low and threatening as he takes a step towards Squall - and then he seems to catch himself, blinking away the anger and looking startled for a fleeting moment.
Then he's the one to turn on his heel, dropping the board to push off, away from Squall or anyone else for that matter. "Yeah. Whatever."
He takes a moment cause wow that was, well heated. Really heated for a moment and he hasn't felt those emotions in so long. But then he's walking, or running after him and grabbing his arm. He wants to help. He's not the same introverted kid anymore, he's an extroverted introvert now.
"H-hey, Seifer wait." He holds him by the arm to stop him moving. "Wanna go..let off some steam? I know a place.."
He instinctively jerks his arm away from that grip, expression darkening. Jade eyes flick from the line across Squall's face, then down to his chest where ice had speared him through... "That's not a good idea." he clearly can't be trusted.
"...." He doesn't try to pull him back but he doesn't want to take no for an answer. "Please, Seifer?" He never really begs, he would deny this was begging but he just knows leaving him alone right now wouldn't be good. Seifer just came back and darkness is real. He doesn't want to lose him again to darkness. "There is this computer...Tron...we could go inside it...maybe show you some of the virtual world."
"Virtual.... inside a computer-" well he can't brood effectively when he is bewildered so good going there Squall. But more than that.... Squall Leonhart? Asking him like that? Wanting him to do something with him.... How can he possibly say no to that?
" Alright fine. Let's see this Tron of yours" as if it's the most trying demand anyone has ever made of him
He knows it sounds crazy but that confused reaction is enough to get Squall smiling a little and he isn't going to really go into depth with it more. He will just have to show him.
"I think you might like Tron. They are a good player." He leads them up to Ansems old study, letting Seifer take in the change in atmosphere. It's still not really fixed up here yet but he's working on it slowly. "Would you rather bikes, or just walk around?"
Squall smiling is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. Even a small one. Making their way up to the study is... A little bit strange. Seifer doesn't know how to act when he's not making digs at someone. Walking in silence like this is almost companionable. Once they get inside though... There's enough decor that mimcs the Sorceress' style that it puts him on edge.
Then Squall says bikes and Seifer is once again all bravado. "what? Something else you want me to show you up in?"
He leads Seifer into a secret compartment, walking into an almost too sterile computer room and heads over to the control panel. Ignoring Seifer's words he leans onto the control panel, booting up Trons program with some fondness. He'd only been in there twice but he was happy to a another friend again and really hoped Seifer liked him too. He didn't realize with how he was standing that he was sort of shaking his ass in front of Seifer.
"And....set! Okay!" He stood up straight and turned back around, looking behind Seifer at the Lazer. "It might feel weird for just a moment okay?" He said as he walked over to the loading area, waving for Seifer to stand next to him. "Hurry I set it on a timer. Stand next to me."
Squall may not notice but Seifer certainly does, two thoughts clashing at once. Appreciation certainly but the urge to put a boot on his and give him a little shove is almost overwhelming. Complaining is the only thing that keeps him restrained. "come on, could you move any slower?"
But then they are abruptly relocating and Seifer follows the orders without thinking, recognizing the urgency in his words. Of course as soon as he's in place he hates that he just... Did as he was told. Like a good dog." I swear, Leonhart, if this is some kind of set up..."
Before Seifer can finish his words, Squall looks back, sees the Lazer start up and grabs at seifers hand for a moment. "You're gonna like this I promise." He let's go of them and they are digitalized.
It's a weird tingling and the next thing they see is the neon blues of the digital world of Tron. Squall recovers first, having done this before and is already up and talking to someone else. His whole appearance changed, wearing a muted color scheme of clothing that vaguely looks like his normal attire minus the jacket and blue and white markings all over him. Two curved bikes appear out of thin air before Squall heads back to Seifer to check up on him. "How you feeling? It's a bit dizzying at first but I have a feeling you'll be fine. "
By the time Squall's attention is back on Seifer he... at least looks like he's fine. He feels... sort of naked without his coat and wobbly in a brain fuzzy way that's almost familiar enough to be frightening. It fades quickly though, before he has a chance to really start to wonder at just what Squall's gotten him into.
Still he's on his feet and looking at the strange data version of his clothing. Something much more muted than Squall's simply because there's less of it. Without the coat the narrow cut of the vest he wears leaves his arms, most of his shoulders, and a good portion of his chest bare. And unlike someone he knows he doesn't feel the need to accessorize with a million and five belts. "Somehow... not the weirdest thing I've felt." So yes. He's fine. And shouldering past Squall to go run a hand appreciatively over one of the light cycles.
"They go fast. Like, really fast." He says as he walks up to the other bike, straddling it and looking over Seifer. It's odd he's highlighted in reds but somehow it fits him, not in a bad way. At least not bad to Squall. Tron on the other hand is a bit worried of Seifer but Squall already told him it was okay.
He looks ahead and with a Rev of his engine he's off in a trail of blue, leaving seifer to figure the rest out himself. Trons world always makes him feel so free, about as good as the time he met Winnie the pooh but he had a feeling Seifer wouldn't have liked the hundred acre wood.
Tron is undoubtedly very worried, and he's right to be, no matter how blase Squall is about it. All the more reason to be pissed off when Squall just fucking leaves him here? With the dude that looks like he's about to shit himself or shoot him, not sure which. "Fucking dick"
Even as he's snarling though he mounts the bike, fiddling with things briefly before he decides he's got the hang of it well enough and takes off after Squall, following that blue light and marveling at the rush that comes with this sort of speed. Holy shit.
It's not long before Seifer is able to catch up to him and Squall moves his bike closer, not enough to grab with a reach but closer to at least hear him talk. "Enough speed for you?" He has to shout, keeping his eyes straight ahead. His hair is a mess behind him, flowing in the artifical wind from the acceleration of the bikes.
"Think you can get back to the start before me or are you not comfortable enough yet to try?" He gives Seifer a little smirk, enjoying the reaction he gets from him. It's the quickest way to distract him, a challenge. Squall hopes this little competition will distract Seifer enough to feel better from before. Their past is really rough, painful and he doesn't want to bring up anymore pain. He does want to be friends, Seifer is the only one from their old world anymore. He doesn't want to lose him again.
The blond flashes him another of those cocky grins but this time it's something familiar, lacking the feral edge it'd had before. Here it is a challenge, a match, a contest between equals. Nothing dismissive or painful in the others attitude to make him lose his senses, however briefly.
"You're on!" Shouted over the rush of wind and even Seifer's slicked back hair was coming free in wild strands that fell into his eyes before being whipped back again. And then, in an absolutely uncalled for cheap move, he drifts closer just enough to reach out and kick the back end of Squall's bike with one heavy boot, trying to knock him off course or at least make him slow to correct his steering while Seifer took advantage of the pause to gain some ground. He wasn't familiar with the territory, after all.
That cocky grin is distracting. Seifer as a whole is distracting. The man's always been hot to squall but here on the bikes I'm a blur of red with those arms exposed without the jacket is enough to get his bike wobbling. Or he thought so until he realized that no thay was Seifer actually trying to kick him off course. That cocky asshole.
"Hey!" He shouts back, slowing down so he won't have a massive crash and giving seifer the extra time he needed. As soon as he gets his bike straight he's off again trying to catch up to the other. It's annoying sure but this cat and mouse that they play always had a thrill to it that no one but Seifer could give him. It's mildly addicting and boy did Squall miss it.
Seifer wins thanks to his cheap trick but Squall is right behind him, pulling to a stop next to him and leaning over the front of his bike once it's no longer in motion. "You ass, you coulda hurt me." His words might be biting but his tone isn't, it's said more with a chuckle then any hint of disdain.
Seifer grins, windswept and his hair is actually a lot longer now (unsurprising sleeping in a pod for how long?). As he dismounts the bike he swipes a hand through his hair to push it back, the few stubborn strands at the front drifting back into his eyes despite his efforts. The opportunity to gloat over something stupid and inconsequential that just... feels good again is a relief, a break in the dark tension of their past.
He can't help it.
So when he comes closer to Squall he makes a point of using his height, his reach, that larger than life sort of presence he exudes as he reaches over him, leaning on the brunet's own damn handlebars with possibly the cockiest grin in history. Jade eyes drop from steel to look over him, appraising. Then their gazes meet again and he shrugs the tiniest bit, one brow lifting briefly as well, dismissive, challenging. "You could handle it."
The adrenaline is kicked in and he's panting a little mostly from having just survived an almost crash as he tries to catch his breath. It's a good high though, one he admits to himself that he even needed. It's not surprising that Seifer's return is what would bring back his competitive nature and the relief he gets from just letting himself go. He's had to be a leader for so long that he forgot what it felt like to just be himself and be a little reckless. He'll have to thank Seifer for the break one day.
His gaze flicks over to Seifer when he feels that weight over him, that gaze from those jade eyes he once knew so well. He's caught his breath now but the closeness has it almost hard to breathe all over again for a different reason. Squall is hyper aware of him, his gaze, his posture, that challenging look. It's all practiced and perfect and suddenly his throat feels so dry. Steel eyes gaze lower for a moment, a glance at lips he's only ever dreamt of tasting before he's meeting Seifer back with his own challenging gaze. "Yeah, I can handle a lot."
The challenge, the same old spark between them, it's comfortable, familiar. But Squall isn't usually one to boast back at him. Gods how is it he's become more reactive as they've gotten older instead of the quiet broody teen. His grin never falters though there's a slight narrowing of his eyes when Squall lets himself break eye contact.
What was that about?
"You sure like to think so."
The tension between them is thick and Squall isn't as dense as he once was but he's still cautious. He's never learned how to properly read a situation and while he thinks they are flirting; hopes it even, he isn't sure that Seifer is thinking the same things. He doesn't move, doesn't break that gaze. He doesn't want to be the one to start it but he hopes what he wants is evident in his eyes, or at least in the fact he hasn't pushed Seifer away. He could easily push him off or move but he stays caged under him, silently hoping for anything. When did things change that he was the one hoping for reactions?
Had he missed Seifer this much? Yes. Despite all the past bullying and teasing he missed it. He missed his friend.
"I know so. You've been gone a long time Seifer, I grew up."
Logically he knows damn well it is just a statement. Something Squall is, probably rightly so, proud of. But with the charged tension between them it sounds too much like.... like.... he's trying to say unlike you.
It burns, something hot and fierce that flashes in those green eyes, though his expression never falters. Cocky and self assured as always but now, older and maybe even a little wiser, Squall may well be able to see how fragile that facade is. How much of it is built on bravado instead of something real.
"Well it's about damn time you caught up." At once aggressive and cold, haughty in a way he didn't lean into often.... only when the rug was beginning to slip from under him. Goddammit. The punch he throws into Squall's shoulder is too hard to be friendly by any means but it's not meant to really hurt him and they both know that when he wants to Seifer can deal a lot of damage. Then he stalking back over to the other bike, fingers reaching for the pocket of his jacket... which isn't there and even if it was he doesn't have any smokes on him. Which only makes him sneer that much harder at Squall.... waiting until the idiot tries to open his mouth to pointedly rev up the bike to drown him out and speed off again. He has no idea where he's going but it's Not Here.
They're having a moment and his heart beat quickens when he sees Seifer's gaze change and he leans into what he thought would be something else entirely but then he's punched and seifers words are not at all what he meant. He's left to gape after him, unsure of what to say or do but knowing he was a complete idiot for thinking Seifer would kiss him. There was no reason for it, they'd only been starting to live in the same space and mending a friendship which Squall was stupidly ruining. He was such a jackass.
Seifer was angry and Squall didn't blame him. Who would want someone who used to argue with you anyway? He tried to apologize but Seifer was already gone. He stayed their on his bike berating himself. He wasn't sure how to handle Seifer. He had to stop comparing him to the past version, they'd both changed and he had to learn how to work with the man he knew now, not how he had been. Maybe teasing didn't work anymore, maybe he should be kinder himself.
He debated on whether to go after seifer but eventually he did and it took him awhile to catch up to him, finding him pulled over in some random spot of the virtual world. Squall stayed on his bike just looking at him for a moment before walking over to him. "Hey....I'm sorry. I didn't.....look I..." why were words so hard? "I'm sorry I upset you."
It takes a good long while before speed and too close calls burn through enough of the anger for him to be able to just step back and think. And that just makes it so much worse, doesn't it? Because Squall was right. He hadn't grown up, hadn't learned a goddamn thing. He was the same temperamental glory hound he'd been as a kid. Literally had been up until a few short weeks ago as far as his memories were concerned. A whole new set of things to be angry about and feel cheated over but then none of it was real either.
He hears the bike pull up, stop, can feel Squall staring but he stays where he is, laid back over the seat of the bike, ankles crossed to let his boots rest snuggly between the handlebars while he stared up into the endless tangle of lines and circuits that made up the Digital world. An apology is the last thing he expects though and he finally turns his head to look at Squall, only just, glancing aside briefly before turning his face sky(?)ward again. "Never thought I'd see the day you apologized."
"Yeah well you deserve it. I've been an ass." He gets off his own bike and leans against it, arms crossed over his chest as he usually is. He sighs and rubs at his scar, remembering exactly how he got it and how that day led into so much more not too soon after. "And I guess a liar too...I really haven't changed that much. I'm still bad at this...at being with people." He kicked off his bike than and walked over to Seifer, stopping only a few inches away from him.
He'd held out his hand now, a slightly shy gesture but was offering his own version of an olive branch to Seifer. "I want to be friends, I want to get to know you, the Seifer I've missed out on all these years....but I'm not sure how." His brows furrow as he meets that jade gaze, keeping his hand out and steady, hoping he'd accept. "Can you teach me how to be your friend?"
Seifer pointedly refuses to look at Squall as he talks, as he approaches with his good intentions and offers of friendship. Friendship?! What a fucking joke. But there's an ache there too, for what might have been, missed opportunities.
Finally he huffs an irritated sigh, uncrossing his ankles to sit back up, slumping forward onto the handlebars instead as he turns his head to look at Squall this time. "Why?" It's rough, almost accusatory. brow furrowing in a way that pulls uncomfortably at the matching scar he shares. "For years.... I would've given fucking *anything* for that. So why now?"
That one simple word gives him pause and he drops his hand. Seifer has a damn good point and squall can't think of anything to say for a moment. He doesn't deserve it, he's right but he likes to think he did at least try a little in the past.
"I was a fool. I didn't know what I had until I lost it..." He frowns and looks at the circuit board looking ground under them. "I wish I had noticed you then. Maybe things would have been better. " With a sigh he turns and gets on bike again. " We can go if you want...sorry this wasn't the fun trip I thought it'd be."
Squall turns back towards his bike but Seifer doesn't let him get far enough to actually get on. The moment Squall turns his back on him (again!!) Seifer is on his feet. He reaches out, one hand slamming roughly into Squall's shoulder, shoving him forward. "You are such a fucking liar!"
"Haven't changed? Fuck you. Standing here talking about being friends, making apologies-" If he doesn't turn to face him on his own Seifer will grab his shoulder, spinning him around so he can get up in his face... Just like they used to. "And now you're gonna act like you have some big regrets? I carved your fucking face up trying to get you to fucking notice what was right in front of you and you still never once acknowledged a goddamn thing!"
Steel eyes widened the moment he was pushed, having been spun to face seifer before he could say or do anything else, just watching him yell at him. Fuck this wasn't what he wanted. He had wanted them to be friends to not have to be THIS. This was how they alwaya ended up, yelling and fighting and being angry. Try as he might Squall couldn't break the cycle of their relationship and being yelled at made him snap, giving Seifer the exact reaction he wanted.
"I did notice you dammit! I was too much of an idiot to know how to show you! So yes I do have regrets, I regret so much of how I treated you!" Their is so much anger in his voice, anger at himself and as he's shouting back at him he's pushed seifer off him, standing up tall against him. He's still shorter but not by much and dammit his heart is aching in his chest. "I see you Seifer, for Hynes sake you're all I can fucking think about since you came back!" He gave him his own shove then, pushing him away even if what he wanted was to hold him close. He hated how they always got this way, he hated it so much
What he says is at once exactly what Seifer wants to hear and... too little too late. That it took so long and so much heartache between them for Squall to just fucking acknowledge him burns. He doesn't know what to say or how to process any of what Squall just admitted... and it turns into the same old routine.
Squall shoves him in return and Seifer snarls, lunging at him, absolutely intending to use all of his larger bulk to tackle the brunet to the ground. For all the anger though, the underlying hurt burns in his chest like coals and the shine in those jade eyes is not madness this time but something far more painful. The sort of thing that, if he were more able to communicate, might have been a threat of tears.
It's a fight and he deserves it. Squall deserves to get beat up for how he treated Seifer and yet that look in those jade eyes breaks him. He's ready to let seifer beat him up. He's prepared to not fight back but those eyes. Those eyes break his heart and ruin his resolve.
Squall does something he should have done years ago. He turns the tables on seifer, yes he was tackled down but Squall uses his own years of training and force to turn it so seifer is the one on the ground. There is no hesitation as he pins him there, arms around his larger from tightly his head against the ground. He's hugging him, desperately hugging him even if seifer only wants to harm him. He won't let go, seifer needs this, they both do.
Seifer hits his back and he's stunned for a moment. The Squall he used to know would never have been able to manage that but... they'd both grown up a lot and were far more evenly matched than they once were. He braces, expecting a blow, bringing one arm up to block something that isn't coming.
For one bewildered moment he doesn't understand what's happening. What's meant to be happening. When was the last time someone hugged him? He genuinely isn't sure he can remember and it has nothing to do with the memory loss or mind games played on him by the Sorceress or DiZ. He was just too young for the memories to be clear. Matron had, of course she had. But that was twisted and tainted now with memories of someone other than herself. Had Rinoa? No, not like this. Her small frame wrapped around his arm, perhaps, sitting in his lap and leaning against his chest, certainly... but...
"What are you-" Startled and... there's a hint of something almost frightened in his voice, lost and uncertain and so far out of his depth he feels like he's drowning. "What d'you think you're doing?!" finally growled at him, outraged and terrified of any sort of peace offering like this. How could he trust it, after everything he'd done? After everything they'd done to each other? But he can't breathe with Squall on top of him like this, crushing him under emotions he'd told himself to cut out years ago so they couldn't hurt him anymore.
He needs to get away, to breathe, to think. So he does the only thing he can think of.... He slams his fist into Squall's gut.
Seifer thrashing was an option he thought of when he first turned the tables on him but that didn't mean he was totally prepared for what happened next. The punch to his gut hurt, it hurt bad but he wasn't going to let go. He had been prepared for Seifer to beat the crap out of him.
His grip does loosen a little after the gut punch but he stays, holding him. His weight is fully on him with a sense of compression. It's still a hug, not a hold and all he truly wants is Seifer to accept his affection, to see this as something good. Had no one ever hugged him before? He tries to think back of all the times he'd seen him, back years ago and can't remember a single kindness done to him. Everyone always was mean to him and he responded in kind. Even he, himself had been mean to Seifer in his own way and that hurt more than the beating he was receiving.
"I'm sorry." It's mumbled, pain clear as day in his voice. He tries to tighten his hug just a little more, trying so hard to get him to accept it even for a moment. "It's a hug, one of many I...I should have given you. I should have looked for you longer, should have...could have..." His voice cracks and he lets go, sitting up to straddle seifer in this position, unguarded for any other hits he wants to deliver. "Nothing I say can change what I've done in the past and everything you've been through...your anger....your hurt...it's valid. You should hate me, I've been cruel....I never meant to..but I was..."
That's not true. Not everyone was mean to him. Raijin and Fujin had found him, the three of them brought together by the cruelty of the other kids over the years. But they'd been old enough at the time that the boys couldn't risk the potential ridicule of being seen as weak or soft and Fujin had been even more determined not to be seen as such.
But this? Hugs and apologies and something soft and gentle- He fights it but he also doesn't really hurt Squall. The one solid hit doesn't deter him and Seifer doesn't have it in him to retaliate harder than that. So he shoves roughly at him, shaking his head in disbelief... maybe even denial. There's a moment in his struggling that fingers curl into the fabric of Squall's shirt, a handhold likely intended to try to maneuver him off but ever so briefly it's just Seifer's hand against his chest, holding onto him, not sure what he's really trying to do anymore.
"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?!" Snapped as soon as Squall lets up, gives him a little bit of room. For a moment he's still beneath the other man, jade eyes searching for something there, some sign that Squall means it, really means it. That he understands, somehow.
"You fucking asshole" His voice cracks slightly with emotion then and Seifer's surging back up into Squall's space, taking a swing at his face and bucking up to find leverage to roll them again so he can slam the brunet into the floor. "You knew!?" Growled in disbelief and Seifer swings again but he doesn't actually let himself connect, smashing his fist into the ground beside Squall's head.
"You should've?!?" Hands gripping his shirt again and he pulls Squall up just enough to slam him back into the ground. Once. Only once and then his hands are fisted helplessly in his shirt, pulling and shoving but not hurting him anymore, just.... fighting against his own emotions more than anything. Against the wetness on his lashes and the blur of his vision and the fact that he doesn't mean to, doesn't want to but he's so angry and so helpless to do a damn thing about it that all he can do is let the tears fall, when he tries to blink them away.
"You should have fucking stayed with me. You should have been my goddamn friend." His voice cracks again, something wet and thick in his chest that he tries so hard to swallow back. "You shouldn't have f-fucking-" Another weak shove, head bowed so Squall can't see his face like this anymore. "Left... me-" Seifer chokes on the words, face pressed to his hands still curled in Squall's shirt, hot tears dampening the fabric, shoulders shaking as he tries so hard to restrain the heavy, ugly sobs that want to burst from him.
"Of course I know! I know now what I did...I....I was an idiot back then. I thought I was doing the right thing but I know now. " His voice probably falls on deaf ears and while he wants Seifer to listen to him he isn't going to force it, no their is nothing he would ever force again on that man. He can't explain away how he acted and even if he did it wouldn't help. Squall had been in the wrong then. Sure, at the time he didn't see it as hurting but it did and nothing can change that.
It took him awhile, he won't deny it. It took loosing everyone in the garden, in losing Seifer for him to realize what he had done to him and everyone. When he was fully alone in Radiant Garden, a world on his own was when he realized he'd pushed so many away from him. He had to do everything really alone, truly alone and while he was self sufficient he had never missed everyone more than he had then. He missed how Seifer would always find him in a room and fill it with his big personality, would come to him and tease him. At the time he thought it was bullying, had took it the wrong way but being alone he craved that, craved the attention he now missed, he had craved being wanted.
That was when he had first realized Seifer had never been in the wrong, truly understood why he was like that. Seifer had been like him, he wanted attention and instead of pushing people away like he had, he had tried to pull them in but no one understood that. He had cried on and off for a week at that realization years ago. He had lost probably the only person who ever truly would have understood him. He could have had a friend, a best friend, maybe even a soulmate but he had pushed him away like everyone else.
He doesn't fight back when their positions are flipped, he doesn't flinch when the punch hits him. He wants Seifer to punch him, to hurt him. He deserves it and he knows he can't ever have more than Seifer's hatred but at least he can have that. At least he can have some last connection to the man.
The look in Seifer's eyes shatters him and once he feels the wetness against him he breaks too. This isn't Seifer hating him, this is Seifer broken, showing a weakness in front of him, being vulnerable. He can feel his heart fracture into pieces with each tear drop and he wants to wipe those tears away and take his pain from him. He doesn't though, how could he think he's allowed to do that? Instead he reaches up and pulls Seifer close, pulls him to his chest and lets his hands find purchase in those golden locks.
"You're right....you're right in everything. I should have been your friend. I should have never left you. We could have been best friends...we could have been....if I had only seen you then, seen the real you." he could feel the wet pool of tears at the corners of his eyes but he didn't bother trying to help himself. He kept arms around Seifer, rubbing his back, petting his head, anything he could to comfort him in someway where he ad failed to years before. "I fucked up Seifer...I fucked up and you had to deal with it and that wasn't fair....I wasn't fair to you."
Part of him wants to melt into the embrace, to collapse against Squall, to just let go of all the weight of what could have been. It's probably what he needs, somewhere he can recognize that. To let himself mourn the childhood that had been stolen from all of them.
But he just... can't let go like that, let himself fall apart like that. How could he when ever single time he let himself try, let himself trust or hope for even a moment that there might be something left between them it was ripped away again. Even though he knows Squall is well aware of the fact that he's trying not to cry, failing but trying. Feeling Squall's arms around him as he shakes and tries so desperately to stop the steady trickle of tears but he can't even let himself just.... have that.
He takes a breath to try to steady himself, hears the way he sniffles, and his hands shove against Squall's chest again. He grits his teeth for a moment but it's not enough and then he's yelling, wordless and furious, the same kind of frustrated anguished shout that came with so many of the blows that ended up really hurting Squall over the years as they trained.
His breathing after that is ragged and heavy, but he's more in control than he has been. Voice low and bitter but not broken, he was too stubborn to break, no matter how many times or how long he had to endure the injustices of the world. "I should hate you... and you should despise me."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
First Meetings
Date: 2022-09-15 11:39 pm (UTC)Squall walks past him a moment then pauses
He turns and just drops all his notes and everything he was holding
"...S-seifer?...."
"You're....I thought...."
"Squa-ah.... right. "Leon" now" Kicks off the wall and just strolls past him "Does that actually fool anyone?"
He's too shocked to be upset with him so he walks up to him and just puts a hand on his shoulder to make sure he's real. "Of course not.....damn You're actually real. You came back..."
He's just looking him over and settles on his chin, a little smirk on his face as he rubs at it. "When did you find time to grow this?"
"I didn't.... but I liked this bit enough to leave it." A shrug. You should've seen the scraggly mess on his face when he crawled out of that pod, Squall. "The hell makes you think I wouldn't be real?"
then he stops, reconsiders the words and.... "Unless this is another place like Twilight Town? I thought this was supposed to be real-godsdammit"
Squalls just going to keep touching his beard as he continues to eye over Seifer and how different he looks. "Heartless...nobodies...you could be either of them but I've never seen them look this drastically different so you can't be. I guess I never thought to look for you in Twilight Town...some of us just disappeared and others showed up in Traverse Town.
...I waited years for you."
And he finally let's go of him and just pops his hip as his arms cross over his chest. "I really thought you were gone..."
It's... weird? being touched like that, so casually by Squall of all people, but what about all of this isn't weird. "I'm not going to pretend I understand all the details but..." He shrugs, the familiar devil-may-care sort of gesture making his coat strain slightly at his shoulders. "Hardly the first time, right?"
But there's a little bit of something... cautious in his gaze however much he manages to keep his body language casual and dismissive. Everything's fallen to pieces. Literally. Are they.... can they let the past stay there? Is that something Squall's willing to allow?
Seifer needs his help, or at least needs a friend right now. Squall isn't blind to that. If he's been away this long and looks thay confused then he has a lot to explain and he plans to. Sure it's not the first time and their relationship was always a bit rocky but they can start new right? Everyone else was rebuilding and not just homes and stores but relationships too. Couldn't they do the same? Would Seifer want to be his friend?
"...I can give you a tour and help you get caught up. I have a spare room at my place too if you're okay with it. It's nothing fancy but..." He bends down and picks up all the papers he dropped and reorganizes them as he's crouched down on the ground, eyes averted from Seifer even if he can feel those green eyes on him. "Unless...you rather me help you find a place to stay alone?" Its then he looks up at him from his place on the ground. Squall's changed too but in that moment he looks so much like that young naive boy Seifer used to know.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 12:06 am (UTC)"-with you?" The smirk, when it comes, is a shadow of it's former arrogance, something almost wry now. He starts to open his mouth, to snap off some comment about keeping ones enemies closer. But there's something about the way Squall looks at him, looks up at him that makes him bite his tongue for once. If Squall is willing to make an effort he should too. Right? There's no one else-
Raijin and Fujin hadn't been in those pods. The versions of them in Twilight Town had been reconstructions from his memories, just like so much else. Pieces of the minds of those trapped thrown together to create something better.
So the smirk softens, just enough that one might almost call it a smile, and Seifer reaches out a hand to pull Squall back to his feet. "Guess it's not the worst thing I've endured."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 03:33 pm (UTC)Squall just rolls his eyes but takes Seifer's hand and stands up, letting go of him as soon as he is standing again. "I'll make this as painless as possible." he starts to walk off, expecting Seifer to follow. "So this is Radiant Garden....its a work in progress still but...it's home."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 07:58 pm (UTC)(He thinks, briefly, of Hayner and the others. An entire lifetime of memories and people that don't exist outside his memory anymore. How it's always been is shit. But he doesn't know how to be anything else.)
Whether Squall believes it or not he is making an effort. Which only makes it sting more when Squall just walks off like he's supposed to follow along like a good little doggie. (Somewhere he remembers being called the Sorceress's lapdog and that stings too.)
"One Garden to another, huh?" It could be an innocent enough statement, observation, even amusement but there's something biting and bitter in his tone that makes it clear it's not. What it is meant to be he's not sure. An accusation?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-18 02:57 pm (UTC)There is so much more he wants to say but words fail him. He left his whole life in that other world, so many and found this nee one, a new purpose. Or rather he was forced into this new one. It hasn't been for naught, he knows that. While he's not a keyblade wielder he still did help Sora in the gran scheme of things and helped get this world back to its peaceful existence. His part was important and he wouldn't change that, just like he wouldn't change their past either. Sure he'd have liked to do things different, better, but maybe it was meant to be this.
"So...have you looked around at all yet or...you came to find me immediately?" He's not sure if that's the right question to ask so he shakes his head immediately and tries again. "Actually...are you hungry? I can make you something at my place."
Space Race
Date: 2022-09-17 09:45 pm (UTC)Re: Space Race
Date: 2022-09-17 09:55 pm (UTC)And when he stops just lifts an eyebrow like "whyd you stop? You're good at it."
"tch... Yeah well I was a helluva lot smaller last time I did this... And lighter." never mind how much shit he gave Roxas and the others for the same damn thing
"Where you ever lighter? I always remember you being bigger than me. I mean....even now." Cue squall avoiding eye contact and hiding a blush by drinking his coffee
"that's because you're a shrimp." why is Squall blushing?! What. Sus. "I was barely 16 in that whole...." vague gesture "thing." he still doesn't really get it
He almost spits out his coffee at that. "SHRIMP?" Ohe he's finishing his coffee and tossing the disposable empty cup now. "How am I a shrimp? I've worked hard to look like this. Not my fault you're a giant beast and always have been."
It's probably a little bit distressing, watching Seifer kick up the end of the board and swing it carelessly up over his shoulder with the same easy confidence he wielded hyperion with. "yeah. Shrimp." don't mind him internally gloating about being bigger than the cis dude. It's evident in his smirk. "all that hard work can't make you taller."
"I was one of the taller ones here..." and yeah squall is kinda pouting a little. He's never been short by any means but seifer just knows what to say to get him worked up, he always has. He could only keep his cool for so long before Seifer chipped away at him. "I'm still not a shrimp though..."
"would you rather I call you a chicken?" that shit eating grin just makes you wanna punch him, doesn't it Squall? He hasn't gotten reactions like this out of Squall in ages. It's great.
Oh he does but seifer just got here and he doesn't want to start a fight, at least this early. His coffee hasn't fully hit him yet enough for this. "...whatever..."
Dammit. Finally starts to get something out of him and Squall... Shuts down. Seifer bares his teeth, a flash of something feral and.... Perhaps even more volatile than when they were teens, a flicker of that maddened intensity the Sorceress had given him. "Whatever, huh?" his voice is low and threatening as he takes a step towards Squall - and then he seems to catch himself, blinking away the anger and looking startled for a fleeting moment.
Then he's the one to turn on his heel, dropping the board to push off, away from Squall or anyone else for that matter. "Yeah. Whatever."
He takes a moment cause wow that was, well heated. Really heated for a moment and he hasn't felt those emotions in so long. But then he's walking, or running after him and grabbing his arm. He wants to help. He's not the same introverted kid anymore, he's an extroverted introvert now.
"H-hey, Seifer wait." He holds him by the arm to stop him moving. "Wanna go..let off some steam? I know a place.."
He instinctively jerks his arm away from that grip, expression darkening. Jade eyes flick from the line across Squall's face, then down to his chest where ice had speared him through... "That's not a good idea." he clearly can't be trusted.
"...." He doesn't try to pull him back but he doesn't want to take no for an answer. "Please, Seifer?" He never really begs, he would deny this was begging but he just knows leaving him alone right now wouldn't be good. Seifer just came back and darkness is real. He doesn't want to lose him again to darkness. "There is this computer...Tron...we could go inside it...maybe show you some of the virtual world."
"Virtual.... inside a computer-" well he can't brood effectively when he is bewildered so good going there Squall. But more than that.... Squall Leonhart? Asking him like that? Wanting him to do something with him.... How can he possibly say no to that?
" Alright fine. Let's see this Tron of yours" as if it's the most trying demand anyone has ever made of him
He knows it sounds crazy but that confused reaction is enough to get Squall smiling a little and he isn't going to really go into depth with it more. He will just have to show him.
"I think you might like Tron. They are a good player." He leads them up to Ansems old study, letting Seifer take in the change in atmosphere. It's still not really fixed up here yet but he's working on it slowly. "Would you rather bikes, or just walk around?"
Squall smiling is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. Even a small one. Making their way up to the study is... A little bit strange. Seifer doesn't know how to act when he's not making digs at someone. Walking in silence like this is almost companionable. Once they get inside though... There's enough decor that mimcs the Sorceress' style that it puts him on edge.
Then Squall says bikes and Seifer is once again all bravado. "what? Something else you want me to show you up in?"
He leads Seifer into a secret compartment, walking into an almost too sterile computer room and heads over to the control panel. Ignoring Seifer's words he leans onto the control panel, booting up Trons program with some fondness. He'd only been in there twice but he was happy to a another friend again and really hoped Seifer liked him too. He didn't realize with how he was standing that he was sort of shaking his ass in front of Seifer.
"And....set! Okay!" He stood up straight and turned back around, looking behind Seifer at the Lazer. "It might feel weird for just a moment okay?" He said as he walked over to the loading area, waving for Seifer to stand next to him. "Hurry I set it on a timer. Stand next to me."
Squall may not notice but Seifer certainly does, two thoughts clashing at once. Appreciation certainly but the urge to put a boot on his and give him a little shove is almost overwhelming. Complaining is the only thing that keeps him restrained. "come on, could you move any slower?"
But then they are abruptly relocating and Seifer follows the orders without thinking, recognizing the urgency in his words. Of course as soon as he's in place he hates that he just... Did as he was told. Like a good dog." I swear, Leonhart, if this is some kind of set up..."
Before Seifer can finish his words, Squall looks back, sees the Lazer start up and grabs at seifers hand for a moment. "You're gonna like this I promise." He let's go of them and they are digitalized.
It's a weird tingling and the next thing they see is the neon blues of the digital world of Tron. Squall recovers first, having done this before and is already up and talking to someone else. His whole appearance changed, wearing a muted color scheme of clothing that vaguely looks like his normal attire minus the jacket and blue and white markings all over him. Two curved bikes appear out of thin air before Squall heads back to Seifer to check up on him. "How you feeling? It's a bit dizzying at first but I have a feeling you'll be fine. "
By the time Squall's attention is back on Seifer he... at least looks like he's fine. He feels... sort of naked without his coat and wobbly in a brain fuzzy way that's almost familiar enough to be frightening. It fades quickly though, before he has a chance to really start to wonder at just what Squall's gotten him into.
Still he's on his feet and looking at the strange data version of his clothing. Something much more muted than Squall's simply because there's less of it. Without the coat the narrow cut of the vest he wears leaves his arms, most of his shoulders, and a good portion of his chest bare. And unlike someone he knows he doesn't feel the need to accessorize with a million and five belts. "Somehow... not the weirdest thing I've felt." So yes. He's fine. And shouldering past Squall to go run a hand appreciatively over one of the light cycles.
"They go fast. Like, really fast." He says as he walks up to the other bike, straddling it and looking over Seifer. It's odd he's highlighted in reds but somehow it fits him, not in a bad way. At least not bad to Squall. Tron on the other hand is a bit worried of Seifer but Squall already told him it was okay.
He looks ahead and with a Rev of his engine he's off in a trail of blue, leaving seifer to figure the rest out himself. Trons world always makes him feel so free, about as good as the time he met Winnie the pooh but he had a feeling Seifer wouldn't have liked the hundred acre wood.
Tron is undoubtedly very worried, and he's right to be, no matter how blase Squall is about it. All the more reason to be pissed off when Squall just fucking leaves him here? With the dude that looks like he's about to shit himself or shoot him, not sure which. "Fucking dick"
Even as he's snarling though he mounts the bike, fiddling with things briefly before he decides he's got the hang of it well enough and takes off after Squall, following that blue light and marveling at the rush that comes with this sort of speed. Holy shit.
It's not long before Seifer is able to catch up to him and Squall moves his bike closer, not enough to grab with a reach but closer to at least hear him talk. "Enough speed for you?" He has to shout, keeping his eyes straight ahead. His hair is a mess behind him, flowing in the artifical wind from the acceleration of the bikes.
"Think you can get back to the start before me or are you not comfortable enough yet to try?" He gives Seifer a little smirk, enjoying the reaction he gets from him. It's the quickest way to distract him, a challenge. Squall hopes this little competition will distract Seifer enough to feel better from before. Their past is really rough, painful and he doesn't want to bring up anymore pain. He does want to be friends, Seifer is the only one from their old world anymore. He doesn't want to lose him again.
The blond flashes him another of those cocky grins but this time it's something familiar, lacking the feral edge it'd had before. Here it is a challenge, a match, a contest between equals. Nothing dismissive or painful in the others attitude to make him lose his senses, however briefly.
"You're on!" Shouted over the rush of wind and even Seifer's slicked back hair was coming free in wild strands that fell into his eyes before being whipped back again. And then, in an absolutely uncalled for cheap move, he drifts closer just enough to reach out and kick the back end of Squall's bike with one heavy boot, trying to knock him off course or at least make him slow to correct his steering while Seifer took advantage of the pause to gain some ground. He wasn't familiar with the territory, after all.
That cocky grin is distracting. Seifer as a whole is distracting. The man's always been hot to squall but here on the bikes I'm a blur of red with those arms exposed without the jacket is enough to get his bike wobbling. Or he thought so until he realized that no thay was Seifer actually trying to kick him off course. That cocky asshole.
"Hey!" He shouts back, slowing down so he won't have a massive crash and giving seifer the extra time he needed. As soon as he gets his bike straight he's off again trying to catch up to the other. It's annoying sure but this cat and mouse that they play always had a thrill to it that no one but Seifer could give him. It's mildly addicting and boy did Squall miss it.
Seifer wins thanks to his cheap trick but Squall is right behind him, pulling to a stop next to him and leaning over the front of his bike once it's no longer in motion. "You ass, you coulda hurt me." His words might be biting but his tone isn't, it's said more with a chuckle then any hint of disdain.
Seifer grins, windswept and his hair is actually a lot longer now (unsurprising sleeping in a pod for how long?). As he dismounts the bike he swipes a hand through his hair to push it back, the few stubborn strands at the front drifting back into his eyes despite his efforts. The opportunity to gloat over something stupid and inconsequential that just... feels good again is a relief, a break in the dark tension of their past.
He can't help it.
So when he comes closer to Squall he makes a point of using his height, his reach, that larger than life sort of presence he exudes as he reaches over him, leaning on the brunet's own damn handlebars with possibly the cockiest grin in history. Jade eyes drop from steel to look over him, appraising. Then their gazes meet again and he shrugs the tiniest bit, one brow lifting briefly as well, dismissive, challenging. "You could handle it."
The adrenaline is kicked in and he's panting a little mostly from having just survived an almost crash as he tries to catch his breath. It's a good high though, one he admits to himself that he even needed. It's not surprising that Seifer's return is what would bring back his competitive nature and the relief he gets from just letting himself go. He's had to be a leader for so long that he forgot what it felt like to just be himself and be a little reckless. He'll have to thank Seifer for the break one day.
His gaze flicks over to Seifer when he feels that weight over him, that gaze from those jade eyes he once knew so well. He's caught his breath now but the closeness has it almost hard to breathe all over again for a different reason. Squall is hyper aware of him, his gaze, his posture, that challenging look. It's all practiced and perfect and suddenly his throat feels so dry. Steel eyes gaze lower for a moment, a glance at lips he's only ever dreamt of tasting before he's meeting Seifer back with his own challenging gaze. "Yeah, I can handle a lot."
The challenge, the same old spark between them, it's comfortable, familiar. But Squall isn't usually one to boast back at him. Gods how is it he's become more reactive as they've gotten older instead of the quiet broody teen. His grin never falters though there's a slight narrowing of his eyes when Squall lets himself break eye contact.
What was that about?
"You sure like to think so."
The tension between them is thick and Squall isn't as dense as he once was but he's still cautious. He's never learned how to properly read a situation and while he thinks they are flirting; hopes it even, he isn't sure that Seifer is thinking the same things. He doesn't move, doesn't break that gaze. He doesn't want to be the one to start it but he hopes what he wants is evident in his eyes, or at least in the fact he hasn't pushed Seifer away. He could easily push him off or move but he stays caged under him, silently hoping for anything. When did things change that he was the one hoping for reactions?
Had he missed Seifer this much? Yes. Despite all the past bullying and teasing he missed it. He missed his friend.
"I know so. You've been gone a long time Seifer, I grew up."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 09:55 pm (UTC)It burns, something hot and fierce that flashes in those green eyes, though his expression never falters. Cocky and self assured as always but now, older and maybe even a little wiser, Squall may well be able to see how fragile that facade is. How much of it is built on bravado instead of something real.
"Well it's about damn time you caught up." At once aggressive and cold, haughty in a way he didn't lean into often.... only when the rug was beginning to slip from under him. Goddammit. The punch he throws into Squall's shoulder is too hard to be friendly by any means but it's not meant to really hurt him and they both know that when he wants to Seifer can deal a lot of damage. Then he stalking back over to the other bike, fingers reaching for the pocket of his jacket... which isn't there and even if it was he doesn't have any smokes on him. Which only makes him sneer that much harder at Squall.... waiting until the idiot tries to open his mouth to pointedly rev up the bike to drown him out and speed off again. He has no idea where he's going but it's Not Here.
They're having a moment and his heart beat quickens when he sees Seifer's gaze change and he leans into what he thought would be something else entirely but then he's punched and seifers words are not at all what he meant. He's left to gape after him, unsure of what to say or do but knowing he was a complete idiot for thinking Seifer would kiss him. There was no reason for it, they'd only been starting to live in the same space and mending a friendship which Squall was stupidly ruining. He was such a jackass.
Seifer was angry and Squall didn't blame him. Who would want someone who used to argue with you anyway? He tried to apologize but Seifer was already gone. He stayed their on his bike berating himself. He wasn't sure how to handle Seifer. He had to stop comparing him to the past version, they'd both changed and he had to learn how to work with the man he knew now, not how he had been. Maybe teasing didn't work anymore, maybe he should be kinder himself.
He debated on whether to go after seifer but eventually he did and it took him awhile to catch up to him, finding him pulled over in some random spot of the virtual world. Squall stayed on his bike just looking at him for a moment before walking over to him. "Hey....I'm sorry. I didn't.....look I..." why were words so hard? "I'm sorry I upset you."
It takes a good long while before speed and too close calls burn through enough of the anger for him to be able to just step back and think. And that just makes it so much worse, doesn't it? Because Squall was right. He hadn't grown up, hadn't learned a goddamn thing. He was the same temperamental glory hound he'd been as a kid. Literally had been up until a few short weeks ago as far as his memories were concerned. A whole new set of things to be angry about and feel cheated over but then none of it was real either.
He hears the bike pull up, stop, can feel Squall staring but he stays where he is, laid back over the seat of the bike, ankles crossed to let his boots rest snuggly between the handlebars while he stared up into the endless tangle of lines and circuits that made up the Digital world. An apology is the last thing he expects though and he finally turns his head to look at Squall, only just, glancing aside briefly before turning his face sky(?)ward again. "Never thought I'd see the day you apologized."
"Yeah well you deserve it. I've been an ass." He gets off his own bike and leans against it, arms crossed over his chest as he usually is. He sighs and rubs at his scar, remembering exactly how he got it and how that day led into so much more not too soon after. "And I guess a liar too...I really haven't changed that much. I'm still bad at this...at being with people." He kicked off his bike than and walked over to Seifer, stopping only a few inches away from him.
He'd held out his hand now, a slightly shy gesture but was offering his own version of an olive branch to Seifer. "I want to be friends, I want to get to know you, the Seifer I've missed out on all these years....but I'm not sure how." His brows furrow as he meets that jade gaze, keeping his hand out and steady, hoping he'd accept. "Can you teach me how to be your friend?"
Seifer pointedly refuses to look at Squall as he talks, as he approaches with his good intentions and offers of friendship. Friendship?! What a fucking joke. But there's an ache there too, for what might have been, missed opportunities.
Finally he huffs an irritated sigh, uncrossing his ankles to sit back up, slumping forward onto the handlebars instead as he turns his head to look at Squall this time. "Why?" It's rough, almost accusatory. brow furrowing in a way that pulls uncomfortably at the matching scar he shares. "For years.... I would've given fucking *anything* for that. So why now?"
That one simple word gives him pause and he drops his hand. Seifer has a damn good point and squall can't think of anything to say for a moment. He doesn't deserve it, he's right but he likes to think he did at least try a little in the past.
"I was a fool. I didn't know what I had until I lost it..." He frowns and looks at the circuit board looking ground under them. "I wish I had noticed you then. Maybe things would have been better. " With a sigh he turns and gets on bike again. " We can go if you want...sorry this wasn't the fun trip I thought it'd be."
Squall turns back towards his bike but Seifer doesn't let him get far enough to actually get on. The moment Squall turns his back on him (again!!) Seifer is on his feet. He reaches out, one hand slamming roughly into Squall's shoulder, shoving him forward. "You are such a fucking liar!"
"Haven't changed? Fuck you. Standing here talking about being friends, making apologies-" If he doesn't turn to face him on his own Seifer will grab his shoulder, spinning him around so he can get up in his face... Just like they used to. "And now you're gonna act like you have some big regrets? I carved your fucking face up trying to get you to fucking notice what was right in front of you and you still never once acknowledged a goddamn thing!"
Steel eyes widened the moment he was pushed, having been spun to face seifer before he could say or do anything else, just watching him yell at him. Fuck this wasn't what he wanted. He had wanted them to be friends to not have to be THIS. This was how they alwaya ended up, yelling and fighting and being angry. Try as he might Squall couldn't break the cycle of their relationship and being yelled at made him snap, giving Seifer the exact reaction he wanted.
"I did notice you dammit! I was too much of an idiot to know how to show you! So yes I do have regrets, I regret so much of how I treated you!" Their is so much anger in his voice, anger at himself and as he's shouting back at him he's pushed seifer off him, standing up tall against him. He's still shorter but not by much and dammit his heart is aching in his chest. "I see you Seifer, for Hynes sake you're all I can fucking think about since you came back!" He gave him his own shove then, pushing him away even if what he wanted was to hold him close. He hated how they always got this way, he hated it so much
What he says is at once exactly what Seifer wants to hear and... too little too late. That it took so long and so much heartache between them for Squall to just fucking acknowledge him burns. He doesn't know what to say or how to process any of what Squall just admitted... and it turns into the same old routine.
Squall shoves him in return and Seifer snarls, lunging at him, absolutely intending to use all of his larger bulk to tackle the brunet to the ground. For all the anger though, the underlying hurt burns in his chest like coals and the shine in those jade eyes is not madness this time but something far more painful. The sort of thing that, if he were more able to communicate, might have been a threat of tears.
It's a fight and he deserves it. Squall deserves to get beat up for how he treated Seifer and yet that look in those jade eyes breaks him. He's ready to let seifer beat him up. He's prepared to not fight back but those eyes. Those eyes break his heart and ruin his resolve.
Squall does something he should have done years ago. He turns the tables on seifer, yes he was tackled down but Squall uses his own years of training and force to turn it so seifer is the one on the ground. There is no hesitation as he pins him there, arms around his larger from tightly his head against the ground. He's hugging him, desperately hugging him even if seifer only wants to harm him. He won't let go, seifer needs this, they both do.
Seifer hits his back and he's stunned for a moment. The Squall he used to know would never have been able to manage that but... they'd both grown up a lot and were far more evenly matched than they once were. He braces, expecting a blow, bringing one arm up to block something that isn't coming.
For one bewildered moment he doesn't understand what's happening. What's meant to be happening. When was the last time someone hugged him? He genuinely isn't sure he can remember and it has nothing to do with the memory loss or mind games played on him by the Sorceress or DiZ. He was just too young for the memories to be clear. Matron had, of course she had. But that was twisted and tainted now with memories of someone other than herself. Had Rinoa? No, not like this. Her small frame wrapped around his arm, perhaps, sitting in his lap and leaning against his chest, certainly... but...
"What are you-" Startled and... there's a hint of something almost frightened in his voice, lost and uncertain and so far out of his depth he feels like he's drowning. "What d'you think you're doing?!" finally growled at him, outraged and terrified of any sort of peace offering like this. How could he trust it, after everything he'd done? After everything they'd done to each other? But he can't breathe with Squall on top of him like this, crushing him under emotions he'd told himself to cut out years ago so they couldn't hurt him anymore.
He needs to get away, to breathe, to think. So he does the only thing he can think of.... He slams his fist into Squall's gut.
Seifer thrashing was an option he thought of when he first turned the tables on him but that didn't mean he was totally prepared for what happened next. The punch to his gut hurt, it hurt bad but he wasn't going to let go. He had been prepared for Seifer to beat the crap out of him.
His grip does loosen a little after the gut punch but he stays, holding him. His weight is fully on him with a sense of compression. It's still a hug, not a hold and all he truly wants is Seifer to accept his affection, to see this as something good. Had no one ever hugged him before? He tries to think back of all the times he'd seen him, back years ago and can't remember a single kindness done to him. Everyone always was mean to him and he responded in kind. Even he, himself had been mean to Seifer in his own way and that hurt more than the beating he was receiving.
"I'm sorry." It's mumbled, pain clear as day in his voice. He tries to tighten his hug just a little more, trying so hard to get him to accept it even for a moment. "It's a hug, one of many I...I should have given you. I should have looked for you longer, should have...could have..." His voice cracks and he lets go, sitting up to straddle seifer in this position, unguarded for any other hits he wants to deliver. "Nothing I say can change what I've done in the past and everything you've been through...your anger....your hurt...it's valid. You should hate me, I've been cruel....I never meant to..but I was..."
That's not true. Not everyone was mean to him. Raijin and Fujin had found him, the three of them brought together by the cruelty of the other kids over the years. But they'd been old enough at the time that the boys couldn't risk the potential ridicule of being seen as weak or soft and Fujin had been even more determined not to be seen as such.
But this? Hugs and apologies and something soft and gentle- He fights it but he also doesn't really hurt Squall. The one solid hit doesn't deter him and Seifer doesn't have it in him to retaliate harder than that. So he shoves roughly at him, shaking his head in disbelief... maybe even denial. There's a moment in his struggling that fingers curl into the fabric of Squall's shirt, a handhold likely intended to try to maneuver him off but ever so briefly it's just Seifer's hand against his chest, holding onto him, not sure what he's really trying to do anymore.
"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?!" Snapped as soon as Squall lets up, gives him a little bit of room. For a moment he's still beneath the other man, jade eyes searching for something there, some sign that Squall means it, really means it. That he understands, somehow.
"You fucking asshole" His voice cracks slightly with emotion then and Seifer's surging back up into Squall's space, taking a swing at his face and bucking up to find leverage to roll them again so he can slam the brunet into the floor. "You knew!?" Growled in disbelief and Seifer swings again but he doesn't actually let himself connect, smashing his fist into the ground beside Squall's head.
"You should've?!?" Hands gripping his shirt again and he pulls Squall up just enough to slam him back into the ground. Once. Only once and then his hands are fisted helplessly in his shirt, pulling and shoving but not hurting him anymore, just.... fighting against his own emotions more than anything. Against the wetness on his lashes and the blur of his vision and the fact that he doesn't mean to, doesn't want to but he's so angry and so helpless to do a damn thing about it that all he can do is let the tears fall, when he tries to blink them away.
"You should have fucking stayed with me. You should have been my goddamn friend." His voice cracks again, something wet and thick in his chest that he tries so hard to swallow back. "You shouldn't have f-fucking-" Another weak shove, head bowed so Squall can't see his face like this anymore. "Left... me-" Seifer chokes on the words, face pressed to his hands still curled in Squall's shirt, hot tears dampening the fabric, shoulders shaking as he tries so hard to restrain the heavy, ugly sobs that want to burst from him.
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Date: 2022-09-19 02:03 am (UTC)It took him awhile, he won't deny it. It took loosing everyone in the garden, in losing Seifer for him to realize what he had done to him and everyone. When he was fully alone in Radiant Garden, a world on his own was when he realized he'd pushed so many away from him. He had to do everything really alone, truly alone and while he was self sufficient he had never missed everyone more than he had then. He missed how Seifer would always find him in a room and fill it with his big personality, would come to him and tease him. At the time he thought it was bullying, had took it the wrong way but being alone he craved that, craved the attention he now missed, he had craved being wanted.
That was when he had first realized Seifer had never been in the wrong, truly understood why he was like that. Seifer had been like him, he wanted attention and instead of pushing people away like he had, he had tried to pull them in but no one understood that. He had cried on and off for a week at that realization years ago. He had lost probably the only person who ever truly would have understood him. He could have had a friend, a best friend, maybe even a soulmate but he had pushed him away like everyone else.
He doesn't fight back when their positions are flipped, he doesn't flinch when the punch hits him. He wants Seifer to punch him, to hurt him. He deserves it and he knows he can't ever have more than Seifer's hatred but at least he can have that. At least he can have some last connection to the man.
The look in Seifer's eyes shatters him and once he feels the wetness against him he breaks too. This isn't Seifer hating him, this is Seifer broken, showing a weakness in front of him, being vulnerable. He can feel his heart fracture into pieces with each tear drop and he wants to wipe those tears away and take his pain from him. He doesn't though, how could he think he's allowed to do that? Instead he reaches up and pulls Seifer close, pulls him to his chest and lets his hands find purchase in those golden locks.
"You're right....you're right in everything. I should have been your friend. I should have never left you. We could have been best friends...we could have been....if I had only seen you then, seen the real you." he could feel the wet pool of tears at the corners of his eyes but he didn't bother trying to help himself. He kept arms around Seifer, rubbing his back, petting his head, anything he could to comfort him in someway where he ad failed to years before. "I fucked up Seifer...I fucked up and you had to deal with it and that wasn't fair....I wasn't fair to you."
Part of him wants to melt into the embrace, to collapse against Squall, to just let go of all the weight of what could have been. It's probably what he needs, somewhere he can recognize that. To let himself mourn the childhood that had been stolen from all of them.
But he just... can't let go like that, let himself fall apart like that. How could he when ever single time he let himself try, let himself trust or hope for even a moment that there might be something left between them it was ripped away again. Even though he knows Squall is well aware of the fact that he's trying not to cry, failing but trying. Feeling Squall's arms around him as he shakes and tries so desperately to stop the steady trickle of tears but he can't even let himself just.... have that.
He takes a breath to try to steady himself, hears the way he sniffles, and his hands shove against Squall's chest again. He grits his teeth for a moment but it's not enough and then he's yelling, wordless and furious, the same kind of frustrated anguished shout that came with so many of the blows that ended up really hurting Squall over the years as they trained.
His breathing after that is ragged and heavy, but he's more in control than he has been. Voice low and bitter but not broken, he was too stubborn to break, no matter how many times or how long he had to endure the injustices of the world. "I should hate you... and you should despise me."