Logically he knows damn well it is just a statement. Something Squall is, probably rightly so, proud of. But with the charged tension between them it sounds too much like.... like.... he's trying to say unlike you.
It burns, something hot and fierce that flashes in those green eyes, though his expression never falters. Cocky and self assured as always but now, older and maybe even a little wiser, Squall may well be able to see how fragile that facade is. How much of it is built on bravado instead of something real.
"Well it's about damn time you caught up." At once aggressive and cold, haughty in a way he didn't lean into often.... only when the rug was beginning to slip from under him. Goddammit. The punch he throws into Squall's shoulder is too hard to be friendly by any means but it's not meant to really hurt him and they both know that when he wants to Seifer can deal a lot of damage. Then he stalking back over to the other bike, fingers reaching for the pocket of his jacket... which isn't there and even if it was he doesn't have any smokes on him. Which only makes him sneer that much harder at Squall.... waiting until the idiot tries to open his mouth to pointedly rev up the bike to drown him out and speed off again. He has no idea where he's going but it's Not Here.
They're having a moment and his heart beat quickens when he sees Seifer's gaze change and he leans into what he thought would be something else entirely but then he's punched and seifers words are not at all what he meant. He's left to gape after him, unsure of what to say or do but knowing he was a complete idiot for thinking Seifer would kiss him. There was no reason for it, they'd only been starting to live in the same space and mending a friendship which Squall was stupidly ruining. He was such a jackass.
Seifer was angry and Squall didn't blame him. Who would want someone who used to argue with you anyway? He tried to apologize but Seifer was already gone. He stayed their on his bike berating himself. He wasn't sure how to handle Seifer. He had to stop comparing him to the past version, they'd both changed and he had to learn how to work with the man he knew now, not how he had been. Maybe teasing didn't work anymore, maybe he should be kinder himself.
He debated on whether to go after seifer but eventually he did and it took him awhile to catch up to him, finding him pulled over in some random spot of the virtual world. Squall stayed on his bike just looking at him for a moment before walking over to him. "Hey....I'm sorry. I didn't.....look I..." why were words so hard? "I'm sorry I upset you."
It takes a good long while before speed and too close calls burn through enough of the anger for him to be able to just step back and think. And that just makes it so much worse, doesn't it? Because Squall was right. He hadn't grown up, hadn't learned a goddamn thing. He was the same temperamental glory hound he'd been as a kid. Literally had been up until a few short weeks ago as far as his memories were concerned. A whole new set of things to be angry about and feel cheated over but then none of it was real either.
He hears the bike pull up, stop, can feel Squall staring but he stays where he is, laid back over the seat of the bike, ankles crossed to let his boots rest snuggly between the handlebars while he stared up into the endless tangle of lines and circuits that made up the Digital world. An apology is the last thing he expects though and he finally turns his head to look at Squall, only just, glancing aside briefly before turning his face sky(?)ward again. "Never thought I'd see the day you apologized."
"Yeah well you deserve it. I've been an ass." He gets off his own bike and leans against it, arms crossed over his chest as he usually is. He sighs and rubs at his scar, remembering exactly how he got it and how that day led into so much more not too soon after. "And I guess a liar too...I really haven't changed that much. I'm still bad at this...at being with people." He kicked off his bike than and walked over to Seifer, stopping only a few inches away from him.
He'd held out his hand now, a slightly shy gesture but was offering his own version of an olive branch to Seifer. "I want to be friends, I want to get to know you, the Seifer I've missed out on all these years....but I'm not sure how." His brows furrow as he meets that jade gaze, keeping his hand out and steady, hoping he'd accept. "Can you teach me how to be your friend?"
Seifer pointedly refuses to look at Squall as he talks, as he approaches with his good intentions and offers of friendship. Friendship?! What a fucking joke. But there's an ache there too, for what might have been, missed opportunities.
Finally he huffs an irritated sigh, uncrossing his ankles to sit back up, slumping forward onto the handlebars instead as he turns his head to look at Squall this time. "Why?" It's rough, almost accusatory. brow furrowing in a way that pulls uncomfortably at the matching scar he shares. "For years.... I would've given fucking *anything* for that. So why now?"
That one simple word gives him pause and he drops his hand. Seifer has a damn good point and squall can't think of anything to say for a moment. He doesn't deserve it, he's right but he likes to think he did at least try a little in the past.
"I was a fool. I didn't know what I had until I lost it..." He frowns and looks at the circuit board looking ground under them. "I wish I had noticed you then. Maybe things would have been better. " With a sigh he turns and gets on bike again. " We can go if you want...sorry this wasn't the fun trip I thought it'd be."
Squall turns back towards his bike but Seifer doesn't let him get far enough to actually get on. The moment Squall turns his back on him (again!!) Seifer is on his feet. He reaches out, one hand slamming roughly into Squall's shoulder, shoving him forward. "You are such a fucking liar!"
"Haven't changed? Fuck you. Standing here talking about being friends, making apologies-" If he doesn't turn to face him on his own Seifer will grab his shoulder, spinning him around so he can get up in his face... Just like they used to. "And now you're gonna act like you have some big regrets? I carved your fucking face up trying to get you to fucking notice what was right in front of you and you still never once acknowledged a goddamn thing!"
Steel eyes widened the moment he was pushed, having been spun to face seifer before he could say or do anything else, just watching him yell at him. Fuck this wasn't what he wanted. He had wanted them to be friends to not have to be THIS. This was how they alwaya ended up, yelling and fighting and being angry. Try as he might Squall couldn't break the cycle of their relationship and being yelled at made him snap, giving Seifer the exact reaction he wanted.
"I did notice you dammit! I was too much of an idiot to know how to show you! So yes I do have regrets, I regret so much of how I treated you!" Their is so much anger in his voice, anger at himself and as he's shouting back at him he's pushed seifer off him, standing up tall against him. He's still shorter but not by much and dammit his heart is aching in his chest. "I see you Seifer, for Hynes sake you're all I can fucking think about since you came back!" He gave him his own shove then, pushing him away even if what he wanted was to hold him close. He hated how they always got this way, he hated it so much
What he says is at once exactly what Seifer wants to hear and... too little too late. That it took so long and so much heartache between them for Squall to just fucking acknowledge him burns. He doesn't know what to say or how to process any of what Squall just admitted... and it turns into the same old routine.
Squall shoves him in return and Seifer snarls, lunging at him, absolutely intending to use all of his larger bulk to tackle the brunet to the ground. For all the anger though, the underlying hurt burns in his chest like coals and the shine in those jade eyes is not madness this time but something far more painful. The sort of thing that, if he were more able to communicate, might have been a threat of tears.
It's a fight and he deserves it. Squall deserves to get beat up for how he treated Seifer and yet that look in those jade eyes breaks him. He's ready to let seifer beat him up. He's prepared to not fight back but those eyes. Those eyes break his heart and ruin his resolve.
Squall does something he should have done years ago. He turns the tables on seifer, yes he was tackled down but Squall uses his own years of training and force to turn it so seifer is the one on the ground. There is no hesitation as he pins him there, arms around his larger from tightly his head against the ground. He's hugging him, desperately hugging him even if seifer only wants to harm him. He won't let go, seifer needs this, they both do.
Seifer hits his back and he's stunned for a moment. The Squall he used to know would never have been able to manage that but... they'd both grown up a lot and were far more evenly matched than they once were. He braces, expecting a blow, bringing one arm up to block something that isn't coming.
For one bewildered moment he doesn't understand what's happening. What's meant to be happening. When was the last time someone hugged him? He genuinely isn't sure he can remember and it has nothing to do with the memory loss or mind games played on him by the Sorceress or DiZ. He was just too young for the memories to be clear. Matron had, of course she had. But that was twisted and tainted now with memories of someone other than herself. Had Rinoa? No, not like this. Her small frame wrapped around his arm, perhaps, sitting in his lap and leaning against his chest, certainly... but...
"What are you-" Startled and... there's a hint of something almost frightened in his voice, lost and uncertain and so far out of his depth he feels like he's drowning. "What d'you think you're doing?!" finally growled at him, outraged and terrified of any sort of peace offering like this. How could he trust it, after everything he'd done? After everything they'd done to each other? But he can't breathe with Squall on top of him like this, crushing him under emotions he'd told himself to cut out years ago so they couldn't hurt him anymore.
He needs to get away, to breathe, to think. So he does the only thing he can think of.... He slams his fist into Squall's gut.
Seifer thrashing was an option he thought of when he first turned the tables on him but that didn't mean he was totally prepared for what happened next. The punch to his gut hurt, it hurt bad but he wasn't going to let go. He had been prepared for Seifer to beat the crap out of him.
His grip does loosen a little after the gut punch but he stays, holding him. His weight is fully on him with a sense of compression. It's still a hug, not a hold and all he truly wants is Seifer to accept his affection, to see this as something good. Had no one ever hugged him before? He tries to think back of all the times he'd seen him, back years ago and can't remember a single kindness done to him. Everyone always was mean to him and he responded in kind. Even he, himself had been mean to Seifer in his own way and that hurt more than the beating he was receiving.
"I'm sorry." It's mumbled, pain clear as day in his voice. He tries to tighten his hug just a little more, trying so hard to get him to accept it even for a moment. "It's a hug, one of many I...I should have given you. I should have looked for you longer, should have...could have..." His voice cracks and he lets go, sitting up to straddle seifer in this position, unguarded for any other hits he wants to deliver. "Nothing I say can change what I've done in the past and everything you've been through...your anger....your hurt...it's valid. You should hate me, I've been cruel....I never meant to..but I was..."
That's not true. Not everyone was mean to him. Raijin and Fujin had found him, the three of them brought together by the cruelty of the other kids over the years. But they'd been old enough at the time that the boys couldn't risk the potential ridicule of being seen as weak or soft and Fujin had been even more determined not to be seen as such.
But this? Hugs and apologies and something soft and gentle- He fights it but he also doesn't really hurt Squall. The one solid hit doesn't deter him and Seifer doesn't have it in him to retaliate harder than that. So he shoves roughly at him, shaking his head in disbelief... maybe even denial. There's a moment in his struggling that fingers curl into the fabric of Squall's shirt, a handhold likely intended to try to maneuver him off but ever so briefly it's just Seifer's hand against his chest, holding onto him, not sure what he's really trying to do anymore.
"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?!" Snapped as soon as Squall lets up, gives him a little bit of room. For a moment he's still beneath the other man, jade eyes searching for something there, some sign that Squall means it, really means it. That he understands, somehow.
"You fucking asshole" His voice cracks slightly with emotion then and Seifer's surging back up into Squall's space, taking a swing at his face and bucking up to find leverage to roll them again so he can slam the brunet into the floor. "You knew!?" Growled in disbelief and Seifer swings again but he doesn't actually let himself connect, smashing his fist into the ground beside Squall's head.
"You should've?!?" Hands gripping his shirt again and he pulls Squall up just enough to slam him back into the ground. Once. Only once and then his hands are fisted helplessly in his shirt, pulling and shoving but not hurting him anymore, just.... fighting against his own emotions more than anything. Against the wetness on his lashes and the blur of his vision and the fact that he doesn't mean to, doesn't want to but he's so angry and so helpless to do a damn thing about it that all he can do is let the tears fall, when he tries to blink them away.
"You should have fucking stayed with me. You should have been my goddamn friend." His voice cracks again, something wet and thick in his chest that he tries so hard to swallow back. "You shouldn't have f-fucking-" Another weak shove, head bowed so Squall can't see his face like this anymore. "Left... me-" Seifer chokes on the words, face pressed to his hands still curled in Squall's shirt, hot tears dampening the fabric, shoulders shaking as he tries so hard to restrain the heavy, ugly sobs that want to burst from him.
"Of course I know! I know now what I did...I....I was an idiot back then. I thought I was doing the right thing but I know now. " His voice probably falls on deaf ears and while he wants Seifer to listen to him he isn't going to force it, no their is nothing he would ever force again on that man. He can't explain away how he acted and even if he did it wouldn't help. Squall had been in the wrong then. Sure, at the time he didn't see it as hurting but it did and nothing can change that.
It took him awhile, he won't deny it. It took loosing everyone in the garden, in losing Seifer for him to realize what he had done to him and everyone. When he was fully alone in Radiant Garden, a world on his own was when he realized he'd pushed so many away from him. He had to do everything really alone, truly alone and while he was self sufficient he had never missed everyone more than he had then. He missed how Seifer would always find him in a room and fill it with his big personality, would come to him and tease him. At the time he thought it was bullying, had took it the wrong way but being alone he craved that, craved the attention he now missed, he had craved being wanted.
That was when he had first realized Seifer had never been in the wrong, truly understood why he was like that. Seifer had been like him, he wanted attention and instead of pushing people away like he had, he had tried to pull them in but no one understood that. He had cried on and off for a week at that realization years ago. He had lost probably the only person who ever truly would have understood him. He could have had a friend, a best friend, maybe even a soulmate but he had pushed him away like everyone else.
He doesn't fight back when their positions are flipped, he doesn't flinch when the punch hits him. He wants Seifer to punch him, to hurt him. He deserves it and he knows he can't ever have more than Seifer's hatred but at least he can have that. At least he can have some last connection to the man.
The look in Seifer's eyes shatters him and once he feels the wetness against him he breaks too. This isn't Seifer hating him, this is Seifer broken, showing a weakness in front of him, being vulnerable. He can feel his heart fracture into pieces with each tear drop and he wants to wipe those tears away and take his pain from him. He doesn't though, how could he think he's allowed to do that? Instead he reaches up and pulls Seifer close, pulls him to his chest and lets his hands find purchase in those golden locks.
"You're right....you're right in everything. I should have been your friend. I should have never left you. We could have been best friends...we could have been....if I had only seen you then, seen the real you." he could feel the wet pool of tears at the corners of his eyes but he didn't bother trying to help himself. He kept arms around Seifer, rubbing his back, petting his head, anything he could to comfort him in someway where he ad failed to years before. "I fucked up Seifer...I fucked up and you had to deal with it and that wasn't fair....I wasn't fair to you."
Part of him wants to melt into the embrace, to collapse against Squall, to just let go of all the weight of what could have been. It's probably what he needs, somewhere he can recognize that. To let himself mourn the childhood that had been stolen from all of them.
But he just... can't let go like that, let himself fall apart like that. How could he when ever single time he let himself try, let himself trust or hope for even a moment that there might be something left between them it was ripped away again. Even though he knows Squall is well aware of the fact that he's trying not to cry, failing but trying. Feeling Squall's arms around him as he shakes and tries so desperately to stop the steady trickle of tears but he can't even let himself just.... have that.
He takes a breath to try to steady himself, hears the way he sniffles, and his hands shove against Squall's chest again. He grits his teeth for a moment but it's not enough and then he's yelling, wordless and furious, the same kind of frustrated anguished shout that came with so many of the blows that ended up really hurting Squall over the years as they trained.
His breathing after that is ragged and heavy, but he's more in control than he has been. Voice low and bitter but not broken, he was too stubborn to break, no matter how many times or how long he had to endure the injustices of the world. "I should hate you... and you should despise me."
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It burns, something hot and fierce that flashes in those green eyes, though his expression never falters. Cocky and self assured as always but now, older and maybe even a little wiser, Squall may well be able to see how fragile that facade is. How much of it is built on bravado instead of something real.
"Well it's about damn time you caught up." At once aggressive and cold, haughty in a way he didn't lean into often.... only when the rug was beginning to slip from under him. Goddammit. The punch he throws into Squall's shoulder is too hard to be friendly by any means but it's not meant to really hurt him and they both know that when he wants to Seifer can deal a lot of damage. Then he stalking back over to the other bike, fingers reaching for the pocket of his jacket... which isn't there and even if it was he doesn't have any smokes on him. Which only makes him sneer that much harder at Squall.... waiting until the idiot tries to open his mouth to pointedly rev up the bike to drown him out and speed off again. He has no idea where he's going but it's Not Here.
They're having a moment and his heart beat quickens when he sees Seifer's gaze change and he leans into what he thought would be something else entirely but then he's punched and seifers words are not at all what he meant. He's left to gape after him, unsure of what to say or do but knowing he was a complete idiot for thinking Seifer would kiss him. There was no reason for it, they'd only been starting to live in the same space and mending a friendship which Squall was stupidly ruining. He was such a jackass.
Seifer was angry and Squall didn't blame him. Who would want someone who used to argue with you anyway? He tried to apologize but Seifer was already gone. He stayed their on his bike berating himself. He wasn't sure how to handle Seifer. He had to stop comparing him to the past version, they'd both changed and he had to learn how to work with the man he knew now, not how he had been. Maybe teasing didn't work anymore, maybe he should be kinder himself.
He debated on whether to go after seifer but eventually he did and it took him awhile to catch up to him, finding him pulled over in some random spot of the virtual world. Squall stayed on his bike just looking at him for a moment before walking over to him. "Hey....I'm sorry. I didn't.....look I..." why were words so hard? "I'm sorry I upset you."
It takes a good long while before speed and too close calls burn through enough of the anger for him to be able to just step back and think. And that just makes it so much worse, doesn't it? Because Squall was right. He hadn't grown up, hadn't learned a goddamn thing. He was the same temperamental glory hound he'd been as a kid. Literally had been up until a few short weeks ago as far as his memories were concerned. A whole new set of things to be angry about and feel cheated over but then none of it was real either.
He hears the bike pull up, stop, can feel Squall staring but he stays where he is, laid back over the seat of the bike, ankles crossed to let his boots rest snuggly between the handlebars while he stared up into the endless tangle of lines and circuits that made up the Digital world. An apology is the last thing he expects though and he finally turns his head to look at Squall, only just, glancing aside briefly before turning his face sky(?)ward again. "Never thought I'd see the day you apologized."
"Yeah well you deserve it. I've been an ass." He gets off his own bike and leans against it, arms crossed over his chest as he usually is. He sighs and rubs at his scar, remembering exactly how he got it and how that day led into so much more not too soon after. "And I guess a liar too...I really haven't changed that much. I'm still bad at this...at being with people." He kicked off his bike than and walked over to Seifer, stopping only a few inches away from him.
He'd held out his hand now, a slightly shy gesture but was offering his own version of an olive branch to Seifer. "I want to be friends, I want to get to know you, the Seifer I've missed out on all these years....but I'm not sure how." His brows furrow as he meets that jade gaze, keeping his hand out and steady, hoping he'd accept. "Can you teach me how to be your friend?"
Seifer pointedly refuses to look at Squall as he talks, as he approaches with his good intentions and offers of friendship. Friendship?! What a fucking joke. But there's an ache there too, for what might have been, missed opportunities.
Finally he huffs an irritated sigh, uncrossing his ankles to sit back up, slumping forward onto the handlebars instead as he turns his head to look at Squall this time. "Why?" It's rough, almost accusatory. brow furrowing in a way that pulls uncomfortably at the matching scar he shares. "For years.... I would've given fucking *anything* for that. So why now?"
That one simple word gives him pause and he drops his hand. Seifer has a damn good point and squall can't think of anything to say for a moment. He doesn't deserve it, he's right but he likes to think he did at least try a little in the past.
"I was a fool. I didn't know what I had until I lost it..." He frowns and looks at the circuit board looking ground under them. "I wish I had noticed you then. Maybe things would have been better. " With a sigh he turns and gets on bike again. " We can go if you want...sorry this wasn't the fun trip I thought it'd be."
Squall turns back towards his bike but Seifer doesn't let him get far enough to actually get on. The moment Squall turns his back on him (again!!) Seifer is on his feet. He reaches out, one hand slamming roughly into Squall's shoulder, shoving him forward. "You are such a fucking liar!"
"Haven't changed? Fuck you. Standing here talking about being friends, making apologies-" If he doesn't turn to face him on his own Seifer will grab his shoulder, spinning him around so he can get up in his face... Just like they used to. "And now you're gonna act like you have some big regrets? I carved your fucking face up trying to get you to fucking notice what was right in front of you and you still never once acknowledged a goddamn thing!"
Steel eyes widened the moment he was pushed, having been spun to face seifer before he could say or do anything else, just watching him yell at him. Fuck this wasn't what he wanted. He had wanted them to be friends to not have to be THIS. This was how they alwaya ended up, yelling and fighting and being angry. Try as he might Squall couldn't break the cycle of their relationship and being yelled at made him snap, giving Seifer the exact reaction he wanted.
"I did notice you dammit! I was too much of an idiot to know how to show you! So yes I do have regrets, I regret so much of how I treated you!" Their is so much anger in his voice, anger at himself and as he's shouting back at him he's pushed seifer off him, standing up tall against him. He's still shorter but not by much and dammit his heart is aching in his chest. "I see you Seifer, for Hynes sake you're all I can fucking think about since you came back!" He gave him his own shove then, pushing him away even if what he wanted was to hold him close. He hated how they always got this way, he hated it so much
What he says is at once exactly what Seifer wants to hear and... too little too late. That it took so long and so much heartache between them for Squall to just fucking acknowledge him burns. He doesn't know what to say or how to process any of what Squall just admitted... and it turns into the same old routine.
Squall shoves him in return and Seifer snarls, lunging at him, absolutely intending to use all of his larger bulk to tackle the brunet to the ground. For all the anger though, the underlying hurt burns in his chest like coals and the shine in those jade eyes is not madness this time but something far more painful. The sort of thing that, if he were more able to communicate, might have been a threat of tears.
It's a fight and he deserves it. Squall deserves to get beat up for how he treated Seifer and yet that look in those jade eyes breaks him. He's ready to let seifer beat him up. He's prepared to not fight back but those eyes. Those eyes break his heart and ruin his resolve.
Squall does something he should have done years ago. He turns the tables on seifer, yes he was tackled down but Squall uses his own years of training and force to turn it so seifer is the one on the ground. There is no hesitation as he pins him there, arms around his larger from tightly his head against the ground. He's hugging him, desperately hugging him even if seifer only wants to harm him. He won't let go, seifer needs this, they both do.
Seifer hits his back and he's stunned for a moment. The Squall he used to know would never have been able to manage that but... they'd both grown up a lot and were far more evenly matched than they once were. He braces, expecting a blow, bringing one arm up to block something that isn't coming.
For one bewildered moment he doesn't understand what's happening. What's meant to be happening. When was the last time someone hugged him? He genuinely isn't sure he can remember and it has nothing to do with the memory loss or mind games played on him by the Sorceress or DiZ. He was just too young for the memories to be clear. Matron had, of course she had. But that was twisted and tainted now with memories of someone other than herself. Had Rinoa? No, not like this. Her small frame wrapped around his arm, perhaps, sitting in his lap and leaning against his chest, certainly... but...
"What are you-" Startled and... there's a hint of something almost frightened in his voice, lost and uncertain and so far out of his depth he feels like he's drowning. "What d'you think you're doing?!" finally growled at him, outraged and terrified of any sort of peace offering like this. How could he trust it, after everything he'd done? After everything they'd done to each other? But he can't breathe with Squall on top of him like this, crushing him under emotions he'd told himself to cut out years ago so they couldn't hurt him anymore.
He needs to get away, to breathe, to think. So he does the only thing he can think of.... He slams his fist into Squall's gut.
Seifer thrashing was an option he thought of when he first turned the tables on him but that didn't mean he was totally prepared for what happened next. The punch to his gut hurt, it hurt bad but he wasn't going to let go. He had been prepared for Seifer to beat the crap out of him.
His grip does loosen a little after the gut punch but he stays, holding him. His weight is fully on him with a sense of compression. It's still a hug, not a hold and all he truly wants is Seifer to accept his affection, to see this as something good. Had no one ever hugged him before? He tries to think back of all the times he'd seen him, back years ago and can't remember a single kindness done to him. Everyone always was mean to him and he responded in kind. Even he, himself had been mean to Seifer in his own way and that hurt more than the beating he was receiving.
"I'm sorry." It's mumbled, pain clear as day in his voice. He tries to tighten his hug just a little more, trying so hard to get him to accept it even for a moment. "It's a hug, one of many I...I should have given you. I should have looked for you longer, should have...could have..." His voice cracks and he lets go, sitting up to straddle seifer in this position, unguarded for any other hits he wants to deliver. "Nothing I say can change what I've done in the past and everything you've been through...your anger....your hurt...it's valid. You should hate me, I've been cruel....I never meant to..but I was..."
That's not true. Not everyone was mean to him. Raijin and Fujin had found him, the three of them brought together by the cruelty of the other kids over the years. But they'd been old enough at the time that the boys couldn't risk the potential ridicule of being seen as weak or soft and Fujin had been even more determined not to be seen as such.
But this? Hugs and apologies and something soft and gentle- He fights it but he also doesn't really hurt Squall. The one solid hit doesn't deter him and Seifer doesn't have it in him to retaliate harder than that. So he shoves roughly at him, shaking his head in disbelief... maybe even denial. There's a moment in his struggling that fingers curl into the fabric of Squall's shirt, a handhold likely intended to try to maneuver him off but ever so briefly it's just Seifer's hand against his chest, holding onto him, not sure what he's really trying to do anymore.
"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?!" Snapped as soon as Squall lets up, gives him a little bit of room. For a moment he's still beneath the other man, jade eyes searching for something there, some sign that Squall means it, really means it. That he understands, somehow.
"You fucking asshole" His voice cracks slightly with emotion then and Seifer's surging back up into Squall's space, taking a swing at his face and bucking up to find leverage to roll them again so he can slam the brunet into the floor. "You knew!?" Growled in disbelief and Seifer swings again but he doesn't actually let himself connect, smashing his fist into the ground beside Squall's head.
"You should've?!?" Hands gripping his shirt again and he pulls Squall up just enough to slam him back into the ground. Once. Only once and then his hands are fisted helplessly in his shirt, pulling and shoving but not hurting him anymore, just.... fighting against his own emotions more than anything. Against the wetness on his lashes and the blur of his vision and the fact that he doesn't mean to, doesn't want to but he's so angry and so helpless to do a damn thing about it that all he can do is let the tears fall, when he tries to blink them away.
"You should have fucking stayed with me. You should have been my goddamn friend." His voice cracks again, something wet and thick in his chest that he tries so hard to swallow back. "You shouldn't have f-fucking-" Another weak shove, head bowed so Squall can't see his face like this anymore. "Left... me-" Seifer chokes on the words, face pressed to his hands still curled in Squall's shirt, hot tears dampening the fabric, shoulders shaking as he tries so hard to restrain the heavy, ugly sobs that want to burst from him.
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It took him awhile, he won't deny it. It took loosing everyone in the garden, in losing Seifer for him to realize what he had done to him and everyone. When he was fully alone in Radiant Garden, a world on his own was when he realized he'd pushed so many away from him. He had to do everything really alone, truly alone and while he was self sufficient he had never missed everyone more than he had then. He missed how Seifer would always find him in a room and fill it with his big personality, would come to him and tease him. At the time he thought it was bullying, had took it the wrong way but being alone he craved that, craved the attention he now missed, he had craved being wanted.
That was when he had first realized Seifer had never been in the wrong, truly understood why he was like that. Seifer had been like him, he wanted attention and instead of pushing people away like he had, he had tried to pull them in but no one understood that. He had cried on and off for a week at that realization years ago. He had lost probably the only person who ever truly would have understood him. He could have had a friend, a best friend, maybe even a soulmate but he had pushed him away like everyone else.
He doesn't fight back when their positions are flipped, he doesn't flinch when the punch hits him. He wants Seifer to punch him, to hurt him. He deserves it and he knows he can't ever have more than Seifer's hatred but at least he can have that. At least he can have some last connection to the man.
The look in Seifer's eyes shatters him and once he feels the wetness against him he breaks too. This isn't Seifer hating him, this is Seifer broken, showing a weakness in front of him, being vulnerable. He can feel his heart fracture into pieces with each tear drop and he wants to wipe those tears away and take his pain from him. He doesn't though, how could he think he's allowed to do that? Instead he reaches up and pulls Seifer close, pulls him to his chest and lets his hands find purchase in those golden locks.
"You're right....you're right in everything. I should have been your friend. I should have never left you. We could have been best friends...we could have been....if I had only seen you then, seen the real you." he could feel the wet pool of tears at the corners of his eyes but he didn't bother trying to help himself. He kept arms around Seifer, rubbing his back, petting his head, anything he could to comfort him in someway where he ad failed to years before. "I fucked up Seifer...I fucked up and you had to deal with it and that wasn't fair....I wasn't fair to you."
Part of him wants to melt into the embrace, to collapse against Squall, to just let go of all the weight of what could have been. It's probably what he needs, somewhere he can recognize that. To let himself mourn the childhood that had been stolen from all of them.
But he just... can't let go like that, let himself fall apart like that. How could he when ever single time he let himself try, let himself trust or hope for even a moment that there might be something left between them it was ripped away again. Even though he knows Squall is well aware of the fact that he's trying not to cry, failing but trying. Feeling Squall's arms around him as he shakes and tries so desperately to stop the steady trickle of tears but he can't even let himself just.... have that.
He takes a breath to try to steady himself, hears the way he sniffles, and his hands shove against Squall's chest again. He grits his teeth for a moment but it's not enough and then he's yelling, wordless and furious, the same kind of frustrated anguished shout that came with so many of the blows that ended up really hurting Squall over the years as they trained.
His breathing after that is ragged and heavy, but he's more in control than he has been. Voice low and bitter but not broken, he was too stubborn to break, no matter how many times or how long he had to endure the injustices of the world. "I should hate you... and you should despise me."